Malawi 2004 - 2007 |
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Gormless Behaviour
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A European (this one) is quickly left puzzling why normal patient tolerance mutates into irritation bordering on racial anger. It takes very little time for you to catch yourself talking about 'them' or saying 'why do they ...? Why don't they see that if only they did..?' In acute cases you may find yourself referring to the country as British Nyasaland and longing for standards. The answer to these frustrations, is of course, mainly in yourself. We get used to being in situations that we understand and which conform to our values, needs and mores. In this culture there is so much that challenges the cosy liberal values and those self-evident, proper ways of doing things that, once absorbed, are not thought about again - until, that is, one encounters gormlessness. I have to be honest, I have never quite known what a 'gorm' is. So the state of gormlessness is defined for me by many years of my father referring to my actions and sometimes me as 'gormless '. What he seemed to be saying to me was 'that was really stupid - why don't you think? '. So a gorm is probably some kind of knowledgeable awareness. In Malawi, there is a high level of gormlessness. The Strict Laws Of the Highway Code Roads are gorm-free zones. Driving under the influence of gorms is likely to get you into serious trouble. There is a sort of informal Highway Code. 1. If you are driving on the wrong side of the road towards an on-coming car - assume that it will brake sharply and pull to the side so that your smiling conversation with your six passengers is not interrupted. Don't ever acknowledge or even notice that you have caused inconvenience or danger. 2. If you are in a truck it doesn't matter what you do as you are invulnerable. One truck we pass on the way to Tsabango has such a twisted chasis that it drives like a crab. Its back wheels drive a different line to the front. 3. If there is a vehicle in front of you it is your duty to overtake it no matter how much fuel, tyre rubber or risk to life is involved. Pedestrians should also adopt this rule, especially in queues. 4. If you are a mini-bus driver you can act as though you are in a truck, with the added advantage that you can stop anywhere. 5. In fact it is a national imperative that you cause as much delay as possible. The best example was a Friday evening when we spent 20 minutes in a traffic jam in the market that tailed back for twenty metres because two mini-bus drivers would not move even the few required metres until they filled up with passengers. Around them every inch of space was filled by impatient, hooting drivers trying to find a way past until we resembled an Escher print with each car apparently in a never ending relationship to the one in front and behind, and no way out. 6. Corners are only put into roads to annoy you. Ignore them and drive straight anyway even if another car is trying to do the same thing. This is also a rule for pedestrians, who should barge slow or immobile obstacles from their path. 7. Never take a vehicle off the road even if you have to resort to pushing it or tying bits on with string. Most vehicles have to be bump-started, many are hot wired . 8. Never replace a headlight bulb, it is more fun if people think you are a motor bike coming towards them on a dark road. Even better try driving at dusk with no lights. 9. Indicators are no more than flashing lights to be used at Xmas and discos. So unless you want to cheer yourself up why waste energy trying to work out which way you want to go? Let the other drivers enjoy the surprise. Your driving instructor will acknowledge this and teach you to do a variety of imaginative and creative hand signals whilst talking on your cell phone. 10. If you can annoy or damage a man on a bike (there are few women cyclists) you must. 11. If you are on an earth road you must drive as fast as possible to cover as many people as possible with dust - its good for them and they love it. A bit of coughing never hurt anyone. 12. If you put a speed bump in the road (there are lots in residential areas) make sure they can't be seen and are ridiculously wide and steep - its good for vehicle repair shops. 13. If you are a traffic cop , make sure you remember that the more cars you catch out the greater your take home pay. Azungos are a juicy catch. 14. Money is payable for any misdemeanour. If you hit a pedestrian, even in a very minor way, almost anyone in the vicinity is entitled to demand payment. 15. If a pick-up sheds its load there are wreckers rights. If you can get there fast enough to help pick-up debris and reload it you can demand payment. Getting served in the bank The bank is one of the most treacherous environments for the gorm-lover. It is here that serious amounts of time can be stolen from you. Masquerading under the guise of being a modern efficient and friendly way of robbing you of your money the bank is the Judas of gorm. Behind every smile is the fang of fascism and behind every act of kindness is the lassitude of indolence and indifference. Can anyone tell me why, when on the last Friday of the month serious amounts of cash are bought in bundles in card board boxes, nobody thinks to make any special arrangements? Last Friday we found ourselves in the single queue leading to the deposit counter, where I was to put a cheque into my account. There were four deposit counters in the swish, modern, City Centre bank. Two of them were unattended whilst a battalion of staff were seated at tables and desks at the rear. This left two counters for the depositees . We watched helplessly as each of the two counters was sealed by uniformed guards with very big boxes of notes, which had to be counted. The rest of us who had relatively quick deposits to make stood for nearly an hour before, like me, giving up or deciding to make the bank their home. *********************** It is not unusual for the velvet glove of kindness to be offered in response to the wining plea for assistance . The ATM machine had eaten my card for the fourth time and they had promised me a new card. " come in a week to collect it." " okey dokey ". A week and a half later I received a friendly welcome to the warm heart of banking. After fifteen minutes the charming enquiries clerk got round to directing me to 'Personal banking' - three people before me had decided to use this opportunity to write their memoirs in the safe interior of the Personal Banking section. So after another half an hour Mrs M greeted me warmly. She was very interested in my heart-rending tale of loss and grief. But, unfortunately, "Ah, you are in Personal Banking. You should go upstairs to 'Savings '. Anyway why did they tell you to come after a week? Cards never arrive until four weeks ". " Did you put your telephone number on the request form? ". " Yes will they call me when it arrives? ". She looked at me helplessly. " Sometimes they do but if they get a lot of cards they might not." She gave me a look that demanded my understanding and acquiescence. I left defeated. Following an instruction They are so gormless they can't do the simplest thing you ask them. There I have found myself doing it again, saying 'they' as though all Malawis are gormless. WELL THEY BLOODY WELL ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! No sorry I'll try to calm down. But one day I'll swing for that Alick, you see if I don't . Poor Alick is gormly challenged. Give him a simple job, explain it, draw a picture, act it out in mime, give him a leaflet, arrange simultaneous translation and still he will smile, say yes and do it wrong. I asked him to buy my favourite peanut butter and did all of the above. Now I know you will all understand how much a man's peanut butter brand loyalty means to him. Alick had only two brands to choose from .... Life is filled with these little acts of gormlessness, like the man who does a little job of easing the window but leaves you with the clearing up that takes twice as long as the task he completed. Like the painter who does a good job of painting the walls in the fine new house but doesn't bother to put a piece of paper down or wipe up the wet paint that has dripped on the floor, skirting board, tiles etc., like the builder who finds he has not bought a piece of wood to support the coping shuttering and so saws up the ladder to make one, like the shopkeeper who sells you a bike with a pump included only for you to find that the nozzle is the wrong size and no you can't buy a nozzle of the right size even though your tyres are flat. Am I getting paranoid or do they really want to persecute me? What did you say? Some of the most gormless behaviour is perpetrated by walkers, and given that everyone walks endlessly (often without purpose) in Africa there is plenty to go round. If you stop your car to let a forlorn pedestrian cross before you proceed on your stately way - what the News of the World used to call being 'a knight of the road' - don't expect a cheery wave, smile or even to be seen. The person - any age or gender- will look at you with a blank expression and simply walk across. It's all the same whether you choose to run over their toes or stop the car and get out to lay your cloak across the puddle. It is just what happens and is to be expected and accepted without comment or acknowledgement. This also a general rule of life. Because people expect sharing, if you give someone money, food, favour etc they take it without comment or acknowledgement. If you are trying to drive through a busy road similar gorms are discarded in all directions by walkers. People wander across in front of you causing you to brake sharply, have heart palpitations and seek post trauma counselling. Again, expect no more than a disdainful look and a leisurely pursuit of the same path. The great thing , however, is that gormlessness is in the mind of the beholder. Only minutes after reaching near apoplexy you can find yourself becoming gormless. It is like being in one of those sixties sci-fi or horror movies in which the zombies or aliens gradually start to turn everyone into one of them. You park, get out of the car and start to walk. You hear an angry blast of a horn behind you. You turn your head towards the irate driver, look at him disdainfully and meander along the path you were following. They have got you. You are forever gormless. ***************************
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